Here I sit, waiting for the gentleman outside to finish installing a new window in our car due to the fact that the old one was shot out last weekend. Yep, apparently we live in the ghetto and had no idea.
It's amazing what an act so small and insignificant can temporarily do to your outlook on life. By the time the cops left last Friday morning I had the house sold, my kids homeschooled, and all of us living in a commune surrounded by barbed-wire fence. Luckily, my voice of reason (a.k.a. Jason) reminded me it was only a BB gun, and it was probably just a couple of teenage kids out for some kicks. Just like that, my blueprints were put on hold and I halted the scenes in my head of sewing Little House on the Prairie dresses for my daughters and arranging their marriages.
(It's a good thing for our offspring that they have at least one rational parent. If it were up to me our poor children would have found themselves living in a bomb shelter, wearing oxygen masks, and having mastered the art of Tai-Kwon-Do long ago.)
I think I'm raising my kids in the wrong decade. Or the wrong century. Everything worries me these days. This world is a scary, scary place with absolutely no guarantees. I can't stand knowing that I can teach my kids all the right things to do and say, teach them to never take candy from a stranger, teach them how to stop, drop, and roll, teach them how important it is to always wear their seatbelts, etc., but at the end of the day their fate is out of my hands.
And it doesn't make matters any easier having to raise two girls (possibly three?) in this day and age. It seems as if Jason and I always need to be on the defense with them, especially when we think about preparing them for the future. It feels as if the things that could potentially harm them have more severe consequences than if they were boys. I could be totally off on that, I'm not sure. Raising boys to me seems like a different sort of responsibility, one where they need to be taught how to avoid becoming part of certain situations, where with girls it seems like they need to be taught how to get themselves out. I have horrible visions of dark streets, keg parties, and cars with naughty boys that fill my head when I think of what their future could hold if we don't do our job in properly instructing them on how to make wise life-choices.
And these are the reasons I cannot watch Law and Order, or scary movies, or the news, because every thing I see in front of me I internalize and convince myself will become my story, or my family's story if I let my guard down for even an instant.
I'm not even really sure where I'm going with this. I'm just feeling a little uneasy after our house was targeted and attacked by a gang of hardened, vicious criminals a couple days ago.
This is the kind of vulnerability that will make me crazy if I let it.
I've spoken before on how I have to make a conscious decision to surrender my children to Christ everyday, knowing that ultimately their lives rest in His hands, but today I just need a little extra assurance.
Maybe this is why I find myself here, writing to you all. Do any of you have any Scripture you could share with me? Any wise words the Lord has laid on your heart when you are faced with fear? Something that would strengthen my resolve to trust that God is in control?
Any help with this matter would be greatly appreciated. My sanity and sense of reason appears to be lost and gone away, and is not showing signs of returning anytime soon.
And, on a sidenote, if you happened to be driving past my house last Friday and saw anything suspicious, please don't let me know. For now I think I'll just tell myself that a semi-truck happened to drive by and a big stone was thrown horizontally from it's path directly into the center of our car window with enough force to shatter it's glass into millions of pieces from thirty feet away. This could happen, right?
Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day on pins and needles. You know me well, and You know this is a state I often find myself in when I allow myself to think about all the potential dangers that exist in this world.
You know that my family's health and safety is everything to me, and You see how I constantly try to ensure that they are well protected and cared for.
But You also see straight through this into the heart of the matter, and that is how I have a really hard time turning their fate over to anyone else, even You. I want to shelter them, hover over them, and hold their hands as they cross every street, into every new situation, for all time.
Help me to overcome this need to keep them to myself and to fiercely protect them from this world around us. Help my hand to let go of theirs and firmly place their fingers in Your own. I know, deep down, that nothing will happen to them that You do not allow, but sometimes (like right now) that just doesn't seem assurance enough. Forgive me for my doubt, and my distrust, and my decision to overlook the love You have for them in lieu of my own ideas for how to keep them safe.
I said it in my last post, Lord. They are Yours. They are Yours. They are Yours.
Instead of me internalizing what the world puts in front of me, help me to internalize this.
In Your Name I pray,