Friday, May 29, 2009

Half-Heartedly Here

According to my chart today at my doctor's appointment I am now 552 weeks pregnant. In other words, I have been with child since 1998. This probably could explain away alot of the fatigue I've been experiencing lately, and also why I'm feeling really, really ready to have this baby.

In actuality I still have another 8 weeks to go, which I guess will round me up to a nice, even 560. What's another couple months when you've got a decade under your belt already, right?

In all reality though I do feel as if I have hit a wall in this last week or so. For lack of a better, more journalistic term, I'm just feeling blah. Physically I'm tired, emotionally I'm always on the edge of a meltdown, and spiritually I am missing the energy necessary to invest 100% into my relationship with Christ. I have got the motions of my life down to a science, but ask me if it's really me behind any of it and I'd have to tell you no.

I like to think I'm still a loving wife, a doting mom, a good daughter, a decent friend, and a devoted seeker of Christ, but honestly I am only able to give half to any one of these areas that I normally would give my all to. And I feel terrible about it. The desire is there, but the action is not. I am unable, I am falling short, I am failing.

A friend of mine commented to me today about the fact that I haven't been writing on this blog as often as I had been. And she's (mostly) right. I still do write, pretty much every night, but everything I have been recording seems underdeveloped, uninspired, and unworthy of asking you to spend any time reading it. Even now, writing these words, I don't feel completely here, and I am unsure if posting it would be a waste of your time.

I can only assume that my lack of divine inspiration stems from the fact that I have been less than present in my devotional life lately. I have been half-heartedly reading my Bible, rushing through my prayers, and doing this at a time when all my body is telling me to do is to go to sleep.

How can I expect to be blessed when I am not even showing up to receive it?

So, for the rest of today, my goal is to put everything else on hold, and spend some good old fashioned quality time with Christ.

(And hopefully get my stats changed at the doctor's office before I end up on the cover on The National Enquirer.)

Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray today for the ability to focus and follow-through in every part of my life, but especially in my relationship with You. I can tell You until I am blue in the face that my heart is in the right place, but I have done nothing to prove it.

Forgive me, Lord, for letting it become so easy to put You on the back-burner. I know how awesome my life can be when I am aligned with Your will, and yet somehow You are the first thing to be sacrificed when the going gets tough, and when I get tired. I am sorry, You deserve so much more from me.

I need Your help, Lord, through these next few months. I'm starting to become overwhelmed with everything that is expected of me, and I can feel myself slipping into self-indulgence and self-pity. Save me from this. Use Your mighty hands to tilt my stubborn head upward. Help me fight myself when my first inclination is to rely on me. It's only You, Lord. Only You can help guide me through these next months in a way that provides me with peace and security, rather than frustration and fear. Help send this message from my head to my heart, and help me to hold fast to it.

You are all I need. You are all I desire. Take my life and make it Yours again.

In Your Name I pray,

1 comment:

  1. This line you wrote...
    "How can I expect to be blessed when I am not even showing up to receive it?"
    hit me today. How often do I want to reap the bounty of the harvest for something I didn't sow? Thank you for the honesty as always! -Pam Austin