Wow, it feels good to be back. I'm sure the majority of you didn't even realize I was gone, but I was taking a little 24 hour sabbatical, imposed upon me by the Lord Almighty Himself.
(Never in a million years did I think I would ever have reason to write such words. Life certainly takes us places we never expect it to sometimes!)
Let me back up...
The night before last night I was sitting on my couch, writing an entry for this blog. It took me a little longer than normal at first, as the words just weren't seeming to flow as they usually do. Towards the end I found my rhythm, completed what I wanted to say, felt really good about what the Lord had put on my heart to write about, hit "send", and went to go check on the kids.
A few minutes later I returned to my computer, only to realize that my connection to the Internet had somehow been severed during the time I was writing, and I hadn't noticed. Almost all of what I had recorded was lost, and immediately I turned into a panicky mess.
(I just want to give a quick shout-out to my fantastic husband, Jason, who stood witness to my melt-down. He had a front row seat to the pen-wielding, brain-wracking chaos that ensued, and didn't say a word about how totally nuts I must have seemed at the time. Instead he just let me go about my frantic quest for recollection, gave me a hug and a kiss, told me he loved me, and went to bed. He's one smart guy, who knows me and understands my occasional insanity all too well.)
So there I was, pen and pad on one side of me, computer on the other, head in my hands, holding back my tears of frustration, and feeling more uneasy and anxious regarding this website than I ever have felt before.
As I was sitting there, I found myself thinking that in no way could this be the way God intended me to feel while I was trying to serve Him. Wasn't I supposed to feel radiant, and joyful, and filled to the brim with His Spirit? These were the farthest things from my mind as I rushed through recording my entry again, and attempted to ignore the carpal tunnel syndrome that was threatening to take over my right hand.
But when I had finished copying down as much of the entry as I could from memory, there was no satisfaction in it anymore. I didn't feel right about posting it, as it didn't seem that the words written were still words from God. I could distinctly hear Him telling me to hold off, and maybe there would come a day when those words would again be appropriate.
But not then.
I dragged myself to bed feeling drained, and unsettled, and confused. I laid there, unable to focus on my nightly reading, feeling as if I had missed out on something important. I felt that He was trying to tell me something, but I was too caught up in working for Him, and I had missed it.
And then the words came to me.
"Rest, My child. If you want to serve Me the way I desire to be served, you need to let yourself slow down long enough to find Me."
It made so much sense. All day, everyday, when I had not been fulfilling my role as wife, or mother, or daughter, or employee, I had (almost embarrassingly so) become obsessed with this site, and with following Him, and with hearing Him, and with staying true to this course He had called me.
I had sacrificed time with Him to serve Him.
And He was telling me I needed to just let it go for a little while.
Even things from God need to take a backseat sometimes when they get in the way of God.
I was of no use to Him if my main goal was not to get to know Him better in order to relay what I had learned about Him to His people. I needed to realign myself with Him, and disengage myself from the ways which I figured were the best ways to serve Him. I needed to back off, and just focus on who He is. No Internet connections, no Post-it notes of possible topics, no mind wandering to what my next entry should be... just Him.
So the computer was shut off, the pens were put away, my mind was reclaimed, and I rested. For a whole day I did nothing but enjoy being a wife, and a mom, and savor talking to Him whenever I felt like it about things that were completely unrelated to this website. I didn't put any pressure on myself to be the perfect servant (which to those of you who know me must find quite comical. Me? Worried about being perfect? Not quite standard procedure over here).
And it felt great.
And now, instead of feeling frazzled and weighed down as I sit here before you, I am light, and peaceful, and treasuring this time He has given me to do His work once again.
It has been a very good day, given to me by an extremely loving God.
Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day finally understanding what it means to be cared for by You. I had thought I knew, but I had no idea. You looked down, saw me with my heart in the right place but my mind scattered all over tarnation, and pointed me in the direction of the one and only thing I needed, even when I didn't know I needed it at all.
I love how You know me so well. You knew that I never would have let myself take that soul-renewing breather. You knew that I would have assumed needing rest was probably a form of weakness when it came to following You. You knew that I would have just kept pushing and pushing myself until I was burned out, blaming You, and bitter about who this person was that I had turned into.
Thank You, Lord, for reminding me once again that this is all about You, not me, and that You need me to be at my best, if I am going to be able to do my best. Thank You also for reminding me that even You found time for rest, and that You command us in Your Word to rest in You on a regular basis.
What a wonderful thing it is, Lord, to rest in You. To find our focus in You. To be refreshed in You. You have the ability to bring peace like no other.
Please continue to remind Your people of whatever it is we need most, whenever we may need it. Don't let our stubbornness and our assurance that we know what's best for us get in the way of listening to You, the God who made us in the first place and knows us even better than we know ourselves. Tear down our barriers and take off our blindfolds so that we can find You, and we can become the joyful, satisfied people You created us to be.
Help us remember, dear Lord, that You love us and care for us, and love nothing more than opportunities to show it.
In Your Name I pray,