I'm very restless tonight, and I can't quite put my finger on the reason why. We just finished putting the kids to bed, the house is quiet, and normally this is the time of night I look forward to all day long.
(Did I just come off sounding like a bad Mom there? Because I love my girls and thoroughly enjoy spending time with them, I promise. But come seven-thirty at night my "Mom hat" starts sliding off a little bit, and it becomes alot harder to keep it in place. Especially when it's still slippery from the spilled chocolate milk and ketchup it was covered in earlier.)
As I sit here, trying to figure out what it is that will calm this anxious feeling, I am brought back to some verses that the Lord gave me a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if you recall or not, but I talked about it in a different post back in April. I didn't specify the exact passage I felt that He led me to, but I mentioned that I would talk about what the words meant to me at a later date. He gave the verses to me on a night similar to this one, when I was pacing about, trying to figure out what to do next, feeling as if I should be tending to some housework, or returning some emails, or trying to tire out the dog, when all that really sounded good to me was just spending some time with Him.
This is the passage He brought me to that night:
Psalm 42: 1-2 "As the deer pants for the water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?"
These verses again encapsulate everything I am feeling right now. I am unsettled, I am unsatisfied, I am seeking something. And the phrasing hits it right on the head when it talks about thirsting for Him. But actually the part of this psalm that jumps out at me is just one little word.
"When can I go and meet with God?"
This word leaps off the page and hits me smack dab in the middle of my stubborn, egocentric, preoccupied self.
I have the opportunity to meet with God anytime. All the time. Everytime I desire. I can call upon the Creator of the Universe at a moment's notice. I just need to make a point of doing it. He is never too busy for me. I need not schedule an appointment for later tonight, or tomorrow, or next week. He doesn't have to check His planner and get back to me. He's waiting for me to show up at His door and make it a date.
So, what am I waiting for?
Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day amazed at how You choose to make Yourself so accessible to me. (Is it okay if I have a favorite part of believing in You? Because the ease of having a relationship with You has got to be up there.) It just doesn't seem right that I should be able to talk to You whenever I want, wherever I want, about whatever I want. I feel like there should be some sort of ritual I should perform before I can call upon Your name. A cleansing maybe, or a chant or two, or perhaps some special clothing which needs to be put on before I even think about addressing You.
This place, my place, just doesn't seem worthy of You. To ask You to come and meet me in this sinful, filthy realm which I inhabit, and to talk with me among the muck and grime of my everyday life feels wrong. You are too good for this, Lord. Your robes are too white, Your feet too clean, Your soul too pure to partake in this depraved world which I call home.
But yet here You are. Waiting for me to ask for You, willing to come down, wanting to get dirty. This shouldn't surprise me, should it, as You chose to come down long before I ever asked You to. I'm sure the rocks and grit from the road to the Cross, and the rust and dirt from the nails that pierced You remain forever fresh in Your mind.
I hear Your message loud and clear tonight, Lord. You're here because You love me.
You love me.
You love me...
You loved me enough to come down 2000 years ago and die for me, and you continue to love me enough to come down every single time I ask You to. You don't tire of me, You don't overlook me, You don't see me as just one of the bunch, You love me as if it were only me down here depending on You and needing Your love.
And this makes perfect sense why just a little while ago when I was feeling so uneasy, when I could sense that You were trying to tell me something, when I was trying to concentrate enough to hear what You wanted to say to me, there was only one thought that kept running repeatedly through my mind:
"I love You, Lord."
"I love You, Lord"
"I love You, Lord..."
And oh, how I do love You. And I also love how You make it so unbelievably easy to do so.
In Your awesome Name I pray,