It seems to strange to be writing on this site once more. It feels as if a lifetime has gone by since I found myself staring at this once very familiar screen. At this point I don't even know what I am supposed to say, I just feel the Spirit urging me here, and so I will obey.
I have been intentionally absent from this blog for the past six weeks or so. To make a long story short, I unknowingly was giving Satan a huge foothold into my soul with this blog. He was using the circumstances in my life, and this very convenient outlet, to bring me down to depths so deep I completely lost the person I used to be. He did it so slowly I never even noticed. He did it so deceptively I never even doubted that I was still walking with Christ. He did it with so much purpose, so much planning, and so much hatred for me and my Jesus. And I never saw him coming. Never sensed him near until it was too late, and the pit I was in had consumed me.
He had an angle on every facet of me. He turned the grief I was feeling from losing my father into something evil, and selfish, and dishonest. He made all the wonderful things in my life seem as if they didn't matter, as if they didn't count, and as if I was entitled to them. He turned all my blessings into burdens. He made me blame others and blame God for all that I didn't have, and turn a blind eye to all that I did. Because of him, I lost out on so many opportunities to share the Good News because I was so lost in the bad.
And it took a long time, but I'm on to him now. I see him now for what he is, and I see where he is. Or more importantly, where he is not going to be anymore.
Namely, smack dab in the center of my heart.
Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of my Dad's death. Every part of me right now is straining against writing about how painful this is, how much I miss him, how this last year has been beyond difficult for my family and myself. But I am going to resist, because I know now that that is the devil at work in my life.
Yes, I miss my Dad. Yes, not a day goes by where I do not long to have him here again. Yes, I still do not understand why he was taken from us so soon, and so quickly. But that cannot be my focus anymore.
Tomorrow my Dad is going to be the guest of honor at a party planned especially for him. Tomorrow he is the "birthday boy", and will be celebrating one year of life at his Father's side. Tomorrow his perfect body will enjoy a perfect day in a perfect place. Tomorrow marks one more year closer to the day when we will spend eternity along with him, dancing and singing before the great I Am.
So tomorrow I will make a conscious choice to keep Satan at a distance when he is going to be using all of his power to turn this day into a day of mourning, and weeping, and blaming, and sorrow. Tomorrow I vow to take a stand against him, let him know that I recognize his advances, and gleefully cast him back into the shadows where he belongs.
Tomorrow, along with missing my father I will celebrate my father, and rejoice wholeheartedly in the fact that I will be seeing him again. In heaven. With my Jesus. For the rest of all time.
Take that, Satan.
You are welcome here no more.
Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day thankful for sight. Thankful for eyes that can identify an enemy, but more so for eyes that can still find You. I lost sight of You there for a long time. The only visions I had of You were clouded with doubt, and skepticism, and distance. I admit, Lord, that I fell away from You willingly. The devil did find a foothold in my life, but it was me that didn't try to fight him off. I was lazy, Lord, and he jumped at the chance to expound on my lackadaisical approach to my relationship with You. I am reminded now how vigilant I need to be in response to how determined he always will be. He is determined to not let me see You. Determined to make me think that I am in good standing with You, even when my devotional life is nearly nonexistent. Determined to undermine how much I need You in every, single area of my life.
It speaks volumes to me, Lord, that I can spend this night, the eve of the first anniversary of my Dad's death, focused more on righting what is wrong between You and I then mourning the loss of my beloved father.
And it brings warm feelings of happiness and contentment realizing that this is just as my Dad would want it to be.
I love You, Lord. I love my father, I surely will be shedding tears for him in the days to come, but it is only You I will seek, only You I will strive to see.
Please tell him "Happy Birthday" from his family. We'll surely be celebrating too.
In Your Name I pray,