Clearing My Head

There have been so many times in the last days/weeks/months that I found myself thinking the same thoughts, praying the same prayers and asking the same questions over and over again. It's gotten to the point that whenever I find myself reliving these same ideas, I get so annoyed and tell myself to just move ON already!

So this post is an attempt to once and for all clear my head of certain questions and statements that need evacuating, but to also remind myself of other things which I should take to heart more often. Some of the questions I already have the answer to, some remain a work in progress, and some I will never find out this side of heaven. But, in my attempt to start fresh in 2010, here is the last year of my life in sentence form...

- Heal him, Lord, he's in so much pain.

- Thank You, God, for a clear PET scan!

- My God, a lump. The cancer is back.

- "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up". James 5:15a

- "I love you, Dad."

- You are mighty to save, God. I know You will save him.

- "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

- "Dad, you have taught us how to make it back to you someday. Because of your faith we will be together again."

- My Dad is dead.

- Do I trust You, Lord?

- I do not trust You, Lord.

- I have to trust You, Lord, or I die too.

- We'll make it through this together, Mom.

- Will I ever get my Mom back?

- Boy? Or girl?

- Welcome, my sweet, sweet Cora Dean. "Can you see your namesake, Dad? It is killing me that she cannot know you..."

- How can I parent three children when I can barely make it through today?

- Why all the hope, Lord? Why didn't You just take him right away? Why did You give us such great hope?

- I am unequipped for this life You have chosen me for. I will fail them, Lord. All of them.

- "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me." Psalm 138:8

- I'm trying, Lord. I love You, and because of this I will continue to try.

- Where is he, Lord? Can he hear me? Can he see me?

- Where are You? Do You hear me?

- How could you take him away from my Mom, Lord? Do You not know her? We can't care for her the way he did... we're losing her, Lord.

- Guide me, Lord. Use me, mold me, take "me" out of me.

- Speak to these precious children when I cannot. They are Yours, Lord.

- Protect the rest of my family, Lord. They are mine, all mine. I could not go on without them. You know that, right?

- Mess with me, Lord... but not so much that it hurts.

- I need to see You, Lord, I'm losing faith that You see me.

- "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

- "Dear Lord... Oh, never mind... You're going to do what You want anyway..."

- I miss him, I miss him, I just miss him so much. How did this ever, ever happen?

- Forgive me, Lord. I am so full of doubt, and anger, and bitterness.

- Thank You, for reminding me Who I serve, and that the things of this life are just preparing me for my life with You.

- Help me grow, help me be a better mother, a better wife, a better person.

- Will this pain ever go away?

- Sell the house? Or stay? Your will be done, Lord.

- I trust You, I trust You not... I trust You, I trust You not... I trust You, I trust You not...

- "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You." Psalm 63:3

Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day struggling to pray at all. It's not a good day down here. My head is full of negative thoughts about You. But I'm trying, Lord. Please honor the fact that I am trying, it is all I have to give to You today.

I'm having a hard time remembering all the good things You have done in my life, Lord. I'm like the men who helped You divide up five loaves of bread and two fishes among 5,000 people, and then soon afterwards found themselves doubting You. My problem is that I know You can do anything, my faith in Your power remains unshakable. I just don't have faith that You will do anything I ask You to. So many times, Lord, I come before You in absolute faith, asking with what I believe is an earnest, fervent, God-fearing heart, honestly seeking that Your will be done, and so often I feel as if You aren't even listening. Feel as if my prayers are falling on deaf ears. Even if the answer is not what I want it to be, Lord, would You please just let me know You are within hearing range?

I am sorry, Lord. I know You are near. If I did not know it, I would not be wasting my time talking to You at all. You just make it really hard sometimes to continue on this difficult path of constantly seeking You out and trying to figure out what You want from me when it seems I'm not getting any direction one way or the other.

I've had a lot of stuff filling up my head over this past year, Lord. Some good, a lot of it not-as-good, but there is one thing that hasn't changed. You've heard all of it. You've heard my questions about You, my angry accusations towards You, my loving thoughts about You, my constant refrain of, "why? Why? WHY???". You may not have answered me outright, but I do believe, from the bottom of my heart, that You have heard everything.

And so I will continue to wait. And pray. And persevere. And love You. Because that's all I know how to do, and desire to do, even when I get in my own way sometimes.

Hear my prayer today, Lord. In all of it's confusing, wandering, meandering mess, hear my prayer, and know that it's just all about me trying to find You.

In Your Name I pray,
Amen