It's just short of two hours before I leave for a cottage for the weekend with some of my girlfriends. But I can't go like this.
My grief is burning a hole through me. My heart aches, my chest throbs, my whole body is in physical pain right now as I am sitting here, longing for my father.
It wouldn't be fair to burden my friends with this darkness, so I will try to purge some of it here before I go.
Next week marks six months since my Dad passed away. I can't believe it has been that long. It hurts to think how many days, weeks, months have passed since I've seen him, touched him, heard him... Every part of me wants to put my hands over my ears, cover my eyes, and just yell out, "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!". With every hour that passes I am pulled further away from my last moments with him, and right now it's too much for me to bear. I want to be kept close to him, and every second that ticks by is stealing me away from him, away from our past together, and into this future that seems so empty without him.
Days like today it's just too hard, and my life can be boiled down to a few short sentences.
"My Dad died. He's not coming back. I will not see his face again in this lifetime."
Days like today it's hard to look beyond my earthly home to the heavenly home where I know he is waiting for me.
Because today I need him here.
I miss you, Dad. My heart is broken here without you. In a million years I never could have dreamed it would be this hard...
Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day with nothing in me but pain. I'm hurting, Lord, and I don't see a way out of this crushing sadness. I just want him back here. I know he's up there with You. I know someday I will see him again. I know he wouldn't even come back here if I asked him too. I know he's perfect, living in a perfect place, with his perfect Savior.
But forgive me, because today that's just not enough. Today I just can't see beyond this imperfect human desire to see him again. Today I don't feel Your comfort surrounding me, Your peace calming me, Your love making everything okay. Today I only feel agony, and misery.
I know You are here, Lord. But right now it feels like it's just me, my heavy heart, and the vast hole which my father left behind.
I don't even know what to ask for, Lord. I'm just going to trust that You'll give me what it is You know that I need, even if that means suffering alone with this grief awhile longer.
Teach me through this pain. If nothing else, let some good come of this sorrow. If he can't be here, let me see how that can make something, anything better.
For Your glory. Let all this heartache somehow be made perfect for Your glory.
In Your Name I pray,