Regroup

I'm still here!

Things have been very busy around here lately, what with the onset of preschool for Dana, the start of Bible Study Fellowship for me, and Round One of cold and flu season for everyone else in my household other than me (fingers crossed, salt thrown over the shoulder, knocking on wood, etc.). These days have taken on a quick (and sometimes frantic!) pace as the hours go by, the sun comes up and the sun goes down, and the day turns into night once again. However, the busyness that seemed so overwhelming to me just a few short weeks ago has finally settled into a somewhat predictable (although rapid) routine, and I am can say in all honesty that I am enjoying my life now more than I ever thought I would (temper tantrums, runny noses and sibling rivalry aside!).

The fact that I can write those words down without immediately hearing my husband or someone else yell out, "Liar, liar, pants on fire" can only (only) be attributed to God's goodness being played out in my life.

But other than the fact that my daily schedule has been pretty void of any free time, there is another reason I have been holding out on updating this blog. It is a quite simple reason, yet a very big one, and it is one which I know I will feel liberated from once I get it off of my chest.

And that reason is that I owe you all such a huge, huge apology, and I have been waiting for God to give me the right words to say to express my regret over what I have done.

You see, I did the one thing I promised myself, and all of you, I would never do in relation to this site.

I unapologetically hijacked this blog from the One who it belonged to, and I completely, and without remorse, made it my own.

I turned this blog into my own place for releasing frustration and anger, for venting my bitterness and my sorrow, and I turned all of you into my own personal therapists. I stopped listening to what Christ wanted me to say here, and instead just put down whatever dark, negative emotions that had made themselves at home in my heart on that particular day. I stopped pointing you to Him, and kept your eyes on myself.

And I am so, so sorry.

I feel terrible that I wasted so much of your time, and my time, and His time focusing on things that do not matter, things that He could have taken care of had I let Him, things that had nothing to do with Him, these things that had everything to do with me. Even the prayers at the end of my entries were just a mere facade, still only revolving around my issues, my problems, and my quest for happiness.

And I forgot that no matter how hard I looked, my joy could never be found anywhere other than in the center of His will. He is the only one capable of healing me, of satisfying me, of growing me, of changing me, of teaching me, of filling every hole and every void in my life. Yes, I lost my father to cancer, and yes, I miss him everyday more than words could ever express, but his death does not have to rule my life. I have only one Ruler, and I must learn once again to submit to His authority. I have to trust that He is sufficient for me. I have to believe that my happiness lies well within my reach, as long as I am reaching in the right direction.

Today I come before you humbly asking for your forgiveness, and asking that you trust me that I will do my best not to fail you (and Him) again.

Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day renewed. I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders now that I remember I no longer have to take care of me all by myself anymore.

Forgive me for not trusting in Your ability to be everything I needed You to be. Forgive me for disregarding Your promise to never leave me or forsake me. Forgive me for looking You straight in the eye and telling You that You were just not enough.

I was wrong, Lord. So wrong. You are more than enough for me. You are everything I will ever need, and so much more. You ground me, You refresh me, You calm me, and You simply just allow me to know, with all certainty, that everything is going to be okay. Who else but You could keep such a promise? No one, Lord, no one. Only You.

I ask for Your help in keeping my eyes trained on You. I have seen how quickly they can be turned in any other direction, and I have seen how easy, how fast, and how hard I can fall. But You are still there to catch me. You are always there to catch me.

Thank You, Lord, for Your wide open arms. I fall into them now with no hesitation, and with no looking back. You are my haven, You are my sanctuary, You are my welcome home.

It's good to be home.

In your Name I pray,
Amen

Before I Go

It's just short of two hours before I leave for a cottage for the weekend with some of my girlfriends. But I can't go like this.

My grief is burning a hole through me. My heart aches, my chest throbs, my whole body is in physical pain right now as I am sitting here, longing for my father.

It wouldn't be fair to burden my friends with this darkness, so I will try to purge some of it here before I go.

Next week marks six months since my Dad passed away. I can't believe it has been that long. It hurts to think how many days, weeks, months have passed since I've seen him, touched him, heard him... Every part of me wants to put my hands over my ears, cover my eyes, and just yell out, "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!". With every hour that passes I am pulled further away from my last moments with him, and right now it's too much for me to bear. I want to be kept close to him, and every second that ticks by is stealing me away from him, away from our past together, and into this future that seems so empty without him.

Days like today it's just too hard, and my life can be boiled down to a few short sentences.

"My Dad died. He's not coming back. I will not see his face again in this lifetime."

Days like today it's hard to look beyond my earthly home to the heavenly home where I know he is waiting for me.

Because today I need him here.

I miss you, Dad. My heart is broken here without you. In a million years I never could have dreamed it would be this hard...

Dear Lord in heaven,
I pray this day with nothing in me but pain. I'm hurting, Lord, and I don't see a way out of this crushing sadness. I just want him back here. I know he's up there with You. I know someday I will see him again. I know he wouldn't even come back here if I asked him too. I know he's perfect, living in a perfect place, with his perfect Savior.

But forgive me, because today that's just not enough. Today I just can't see beyond this imperfect human desire to see him again. Today I don't feel Your comfort surrounding me, Your peace calming me, Your love making everything okay. Today I only feel agony, and misery.

I know You are here, Lord. But right now it feels like it's just me, my heavy heart, and the vast hole which my father left behind.

I don't even know what to ask for, Lord. I'm just going to trust that You'll give me what it is You know that I need, even if that means suffering alone with this grief awhile longer.

Teach me through this pain. If nothing else, let some good come of this sorrow. If he can't be here, let me see how that can make something, anything better.

For Your glory. Let all this heartache somehow be made perfect for Your glory.

In Your Name I pray,
Amen